Everyone has bad days, when you ask yourself: Why have I gotten up?...
Since the day starts, everything starts to happen: you are walking on the
street and somebody looks at you in a bad way, or you arrive at the office and
your boss tells you that you have to do a lot of things that day, a workmate
pushes you without apologizing... and this is only the begining: pure violence,
like if bad words and ruddeness were a normal thing and we had got used to
them.
Expressing anger is something socially permited to men. It isn’t the same
to women, because they are taught to keep to calm and behave. On the other
hand, men are stimulated to express anger, in fact, in society men believe they
are more macho when they are more violent. Contrarily, calm and pacific men are
normally labeled as gays.
Otherwise, if you can answer correctly against the violence another person
is projecting towards you, you can feel anguish and, most of the time,
resentment. You don’t realized that if you support many acts of violence
without saying anything, these can hit you and your self-esteem may go down,
putting you in a lethargic situation where it seems that nothing is happening. But
this isn’t true.
Think of a situation of anger that you have experienced. When it happened,
you thought: “I didn’t give any answer”, and you probably acumulated more
anger. In this case you probably allowed things to happen and you never
expressed anger. Probably you contained your anger because you didn’t want more
breakdowns, more problems, thus giving in the power to the aggressor.
You can’t live your life disregarding the violence that other people throw
at you: you need to learn how to lead your own destiny and stop daily violence.
Because if you set limits, you’ll get more health. Finding the right moment and
place to speak about what is happening to us is very healthy. We have to learn
how to discharge our anger in a healthy way. Verbal violence hits our inner
self prevents us from reaching everything we want to reach. It’s impossible
that you can detect when your disvalue started to happen but it probably
started from the critics on yourself you allowed. You probably gave the
inflicters this power. You have to detect every word that affects you and don’t
let yourself receive them any more.
You have to face everything that hits you, and you never expect that the
other person will do it. Your goal is to adress the violence that other people
do to you to avoid its effects in your self-esteem or your identity. Being
violent is beneficial to the person who uses violence, but, what about you? Do
you take any benefit? Of course not. Why aren’t we able to put limits to our
bosses or other people?
The problem is always inside of you, and you are the most interested
person in sorting this out and who needs to solve the problem. You can never
expect than other people have pangs of remorse. There is a moment when you need
to act and the goal is learning how to express your anger. We need to differentiate
when shut up because of our knowledge or when do it because we are afraid of
saying what we feel.
How we can do it
You have to recognise every word that hits you and throw it away. You have
to detect and promote all the things that stimulate you, and chase your goals
and dreams. Don’t search them in books nor outside yourself, look for it in your
inner self, in your blood. When you put a stop to violence, your self-esteem
improves. It makes that you choose effectively and therefore it allows you to
be in peace with yourself.
Most of the time, violent people bring you your worst instincts out: when
they start acting, your patience will eventually arrive at a limit, while your
repited thoughts are focused all the time in the reasons why the person is
being violent to us.
I have some bad news to tell you: the violent person will stop being
violent to you if s/he decides to do so and, if s/he has started to be violent to
you, there isn’t anything you can do to stop it. The only thing you can do in
this situation is to break up the relationship. Faced with verbal violence,
people usually act in the next ways:
- - We react and return the attack.
- - We try to give an explanation about every manipulation.
- - We try to pretend that nothing is happening and nothing
affects us.
- - Or we are assertive and try to speak with the person and tell
him that his actions are affecting us and that’s wrong.
Rick Kirschner and Rick Brinkman suggest in their book How to manage difficult people this
short but –at the same time - good action plan:
1) Beware of your
tone.
2) Manifest your
positive intention
3) Use interruptions
carefully
4) Explain your truth
5) Listen to the other
person
If you control the situation, the violent person has to stop the artillery
and ultimately his attack. At this point, he’ll probably think has been descovered.
The worst thing you can do is answer to the violence with violence. When he
finds a recipient who doesn’t pay back in kind, he’ll be shocked and he’ll
probably think you aren’t going to play along. Finally, he’ll think he’ll need to
find a different way of communicating with you.
Everyone needs to be listened to by others, to be locked after, and the
person who is being violent isn’t an exception. When you don’t follow his type
of communication, he will find other different ways to communicate with you, or
they go away. You don’t have to suffer such an unpleasant situation.
8 tips to stop verbal violence
If you know which your position is, nobody can hit you and the words of
other people will be only words.
1) In the area where
you are attacked, you’ll see improvements at 100%. If you are attacked by
somobody in one area, you’ll improve in this area because you have lived the
situation before. You become thougher and stronger.
2) The manipulator
helps you to achieve a state where nobody can hit your heart. When you are free
from emotional abuse and manipulation, nobody can hit you because you’ll
recognise every manipulative person you meet.
3) Violence indicates
that dream and success have been activated in your life. Agression allows your
character to matur. You’ll throw away the feeling of culpability that teaches
you how to repel rejections. Overcoming situations of violence takes you to a
state where your power status and type of relationship change because you don’t
like this type of people and you know how to act against them. The verbal
abuser wants to bewitch you because the words that they say can freeze and invalidate
you, and the only thing these words are meant to is you don’t achieve the success
that the agressor think you are going to achieve.
4) In fact, you have
to thank violent people, because they teach you whom you don’t have to mix
with. You waste your time with this type of people, better go with others.
5) They show you that
you don’t have to like everybody.
6) S/He is the person
who allows you to know where your limits are.
7) You know from the
beginning who is the person who you shouldn’t give your trust to.
8) Aggression can
promote 2 things in yourself: extend your mind or limit it. It depends on how
you process the situation.
